January 28, 2010


( Miami, FL) - In what Dade County Police are calling, "a night of celebration gone horribly wrong," a yet to be identified woman has been found blundgened into peices at the exclusive Loew's Hotel in South Miami Beach. Police say the chin of late-night talk show personality Jay Leno is the chief suspect. The chin, and members of its entourage, were seen arriving at Miami International Airport yesterday afternoon. After checking into Loew's, the chin rented a private room at an undisclosed South Beach club. Early this morning, the party spilled over into a luxury suite at the hotel. Witnesses described a scene which included lots of women and large amounts of open liquor bottles. Police were called at 5:30am after hotel staff witnessed a body fly out of the luxury suite and crash into the pool below. First responders were unable to positively identify the body but claimed that the vicitim appeared to have suffered severe and repeated blunt force trauma. Subsequent witness statements led to the detainment and arrest of Jay Leno's chin, as well as several of his associates for narcotics and concealed weapons charges. Reached for comment at his L.A. home, Mr. Leno would not comment on specifics of the case but claimed that he was not surprised by any unsettling developments involving his chin. "HEY AHHH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH poor life decisions BLAH BLAH BLAH (shoulder shrug)" said the long-time NBC host. The arrest could not have come at a worse time for Leno, already facing public adversity for his role in Conan O'Brien's departure from NBC. Leno thanked his fans for their continued support and promised to help his chin in any way he could. He also had a series of zingers, which nobody laughed at, except for Kevin Eubanks; who was, inexplicably, standing behind media members while flanked by two large men in NBC blazers.

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